A life in Mississippi...

Ok - I just got finished reading THE best book. But before I get into all that, let me just say I am BEYOND PISSED at how the Sopranos ended. I was waiiiiting for Tony to get whacked. And all that tension build up right there at the end -- that strange man coming in, Meadow having trouble parking and running in the restaurant and then...nothing. I mean nothing. I thought the TV messed up. Oh, well - I guess I should have expected something sly from those guys. Anyway -- book. Mississippi Sissy by Kevin Sessums. I don't even know where to start except that the author was just nominated for the prestious Quill Award for Literature and his work is every bit worth it. In a nutshell, it is the memoirs of child growing up gay in a small town in Mississippi during the late 50s and early 60s. I wont go too much in detail regarding the events that took place in the author's life as not to spoil the discovery.

What is simply amazing and breathtaking is the Sessum's command of language. This book reads almost lyrically. Coming from the south, I can fully appreciate the nuances of Sessum's writing as he not only examines his environment but himself as well. "The first freak I ever recognized...was my own reflection in a Mississippi mirror." Sessum's must come to terms with his homosexuality in a world where anything different was to be destroyed. His beloved mother instilled in him a love of language and literature that children today just cannot appreciate. As a small and sensitive child, his escapes from the world consisted of getting lost in the writings of the great Katherine Anne Porter. His mother told him "Always read. Never stop reading." (One thing I can thank the author for is that he made me go straight to the library and pick up a copy of Porter's Pale Horse, Pale Rider).

Sissy is not just your average coming of age tale. On a larger scale, it is a judicious commentary of the era of the author's childhood as dictated by both events and locale. He examines the first hand the effects of racism and the Kennedy assassination as they shape him and his views of the world. There is a sadness to the author's childhood, but it is not sadness that you take with you. You understand hope and survival.

When the author becomes older finally leaves Forest, MS for life in Jackson, MS, he finds himself embraced by a literary circle and becomes friends with Eudora Welty. His anecdotes of the time spent with one of the greatest American writer's of the twentieth century alone would be reason enough to read this memoir. But it is the humanity that shines forth that makes it unforgettable. He writes with a sincerity and poignancy that is rarely found in literature today. This is one of those books that you don't want to put down but about halfway through, you realize that you should slow down because you don't want it to end. I read that Sessum's is working on a novel for his next work. I honestly don't know how any subsequent writings can stir the soul like this one. In more ways than one Mississippi Sissy puts me in mind of Harper Lee's To Kill A Mockingbird. For me, they will sit side by side on my bookshelf. Harper Lee only wrote one book in her lifetime. After producing a work of such greatness, simply, what else can be said? Although I look forward to anything this brilliant author produces, I will be surprised if anything surpasses this heartfelt life story. Kevin Sessum's proves far and away he is more of a man than many.

Happy weekend, bitches...

Not much to post today - except WE GOT RAIN and PARIS HILTON WENT BACK TO JAIL!!!!!!! God, we needed it... the rain and the jail sentence. That girl is stealing my air. Why is she newsworthy? why? why? he asks in vain. To the five people out there who read this... have a super weekend!!!

Catharsis...

During the drive to work this morning, I found myself contemplating what I should post today. For several days now, I have been completely stumped as to what I can write that would prove meaningful and relevant and just could not seem to come up with anything substantive. This blog was originally meant to serve as a venue for documenting my life since coming out. Suddenly, I came to the realization that, while I have indeed come out to my friends and have mentioned it from time to time in this space, that I have yet to tell the full story here. It occurs to me that the coming out moment, if you will, sometimes proves anticlimactic in a gay man's life. Rather than that space in time, when the words are blurted out, what I find more fascinating is the evolution of a person which brings him face-to-face with himself. That is sort of what I intend to do here. To finally commit to words who I have discovered I have become and how I got here. For my friends reading this, you can skip right over it as you have heard most of this before at some point in time. It appears that I have a few readers who occasionally stop by and visit my little corner of the world here. I welcome any and all comments because it makes me feel connected to a larger community. Believe me, it is nice to know that I'm not all alone out there. I just wish ya'll lived in Memphis so I could get to know you and have you in my life. I don't know - I think this entry is really for me, most of all. I hope it will force me to look inward - where I've come from. You know what they say...you don't know where you're going if you don't know where you've been.

So, here goes. I'm born -- no, no I wont do that to you. I am currently a 38 year old man (some people like to refer to this as middle-aged. I do not feel middle-aged and I do not like to be told that -- but that is another post). I was born and have lived in Memphis, Tennessee for most of my life. I am an only child and am thankful to say that I had a good childhood. But, like everyone else, it was flawed and it has only been in the past few years that I have begun discovering exactly what those flaws were and how to come to terms with them. I was very, very fortunate to have parents that loved me and put my needs ahead of their own. The sacrificed financially to send me to a good private school and following that, paid for college. I guess to some extent, I would fall into a pretty stereotypical home environment for a child with gay tendencies: domineering mother and passive father. I have always had a much closer relationship with my dad than I do with my mom. To date, I have chosen not to come out to them. Considering where they come from in life, I just don't think that, at the end of the day, anything beneficial would be gained from my disclosure. Who knows, maybe someday...

I suppose it was elementary school when I began to realize that I was "different". "Different was an abstract notion at the time. My little mind had no way of grasping just what "different" would eventually morph into. I noticed a same sex attraction from very early on. The first one I can actually recall was that I had a crush on the Six Million Dollar Man. I would use every excuse in the book to stay home from church on Sunday nights (more on that in a bit), but it rarely worked. The memory is still just as crisp today. The feeling in my stomach every time Col. Steve Austin jumped onto the screen with that beautiful bionic body, praying he would take his shirt off (I have since come to learn that I am a chest man). But however young I was, I was not stupid. I had absolutely no concept of what homosexuality was at the time, but something told me that my youthful infatuation with the Six Million Dollar Man somehow wasn't right. But there was no one around to explain it to me so I endured these feelings in silence.

The school years rolled along relatively easily. Never one to get into trouble, I was considered a full-fledged stick-in-the-mud. I guess in school I had a pretty low self-esteem due to the fact that I was generally considered a sissy. Not being very into sports in a school that was athletically driven can be somewhat problematic. This preoccupation with sports reflects and reinforces society's image of what a man should be -- and I found myself rapidly falling short.

Add to that the fact that I attended a fundamentalist, hell-fire and brimstone Southern Baptist church (just so you'll know, I am currently a Recovering Baptist). Now this is where the fun starts...I mean, the guilt and shame. Admitting to myself that I might be gay was enough, in and of itself, to drive someone to drink (wait...I do) but to attempt to reconcile the truth about who you really are with an intolerant faith pushes everything right off the chart. It has only been recently that I have questioned what I have been taught over the years. Keep in mind, I didn't say I questioned God - just what I have been taught about him. It has been a HUGE leap for me to believe that possibly, what I have been taught has not been all that correct. Remember, I'm coming from an ideology that says if you question anything at all, you are the wrong one, to be condemned. Trust me when I say that a lifetime of that can fuck with your head, big-time. Since coming out, and I might add, growing up, I fully embrace the fact that you can ask questions. I believe that is what God wants of us.

Anyway, fast forward several years -- college was the absolute best time of my life. Being a late bloomer, I blossomed socially in college. Had a blast - wouldn't trade it for the world. Fast forward a few more years and I am a single young man watching every one of his friends pair off and get married. I knew I was different, but I wanted so desperately to fit in that I prayed to God to make me un-gay and send me a girl to marry. I remember being extremely pissed off at God for not allowing that to happen. It's only now, with hindsight, along with some insight, that I can say I'm truly thankful that God did not give in to my self-destructive, ignorant wishes, that maybe He has something better for me.

Which bring us to the present. I will not bore you with all the minute details of how I came out to each person. That's secondary to the fact that for once in my life I stood up and acted like a man. A gay man. These past few months have been the happiest of my life, not to mention much less stressful. Granted, I haven't told everyone about me, just the people around me that I love and care about. Now, I don't have to worry about what someone else might think or "getting caught" or what someone will say to someone else (an affliction common to southern towns). A curtain has been raised on a second act -- one which I intend to enjoy fully. I can finally relax and be the man I was meant to be and hopefully find someone who will want to be with that kind of man. So that's pretty much it. This is who I am. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Would you like fries with that...

Saw a really good flick last night. "Waitress". Go see it. I tried hard to find a photo that I could download from the net, but, alas, I was a failure. So I submit another pic of a hottie. Back to the movie. If you hail from the Southern United States, you will absolutely LOVE this film! You may love it even if you are a Yankee -- that is all fine and good (we'll pray for you anyway), but for those down here in Dixie, it can really hit home. The setting is a small, unnamed southern town that I will swear I have passed through on occasion during my 38 years. This town really could be Mayberry. Going nostalgic - must stop. Our girl Jenna (Kerri Russell) works as a waitress (duh) at Joe's Pie Diner. Keeping it short: unexpected pregnancy, abusive husband, unlikely love. Andy Griffith hisveryself, shows up in Mayberry in what proves to be a completely charming role. What took me by surprise was the appearance of Mr. Nathan Fillion as Jenna's doctor. Mr. Nathan was the star of my favorite TV series of ALL time (except for Dallas, Dynasty, The Golden Girls, and Designing Women) -- Firefly and the follow-up movie, Serenity. It was just odd seeing him as something other than Capt. Mal floating out amongst the stars.

The real beauty of this little indie flick lies in its genuine sweetness. That's about the only way I can put it. It makes the film work perfectly. The good thing is that it does not dip into that driveling, sentimental crap that makes one prone to vomit. Its just plain nice to watch a movie that makes you feel good and at the same time, touching on themes such as hope and redemption. The most powerful and poignant aspect of this piece of art has absolutely nothing to do with the film in and of itself. Unfortunately, last fall, director and writer Adrienne Shelly, who herself does a bang-up job in one of the supportive roles, was found murdered in New York City. Not sure at all about the circumstances involved. However, the reality of her death certainly takes her final creative offering to deeper level. I found myself thinking, afterwards, about her fellow cast members and the hole that they must have in their lives due to their friend's untimely departure and how they must be dealing with that loss. What a send-off, though. Great picture. Do yourself a favor and experience it for yourself.

the weekend...

I have to say I had the best weekend. Especially yesterday (Sunday). It was the prettiest day I have seen in a long time. I am part of our local city beautification board and I had to judge downtown residential properties for Memphis' Business Awards. It was really cool to drive and look at all those pretty houses I will never be able to afford (sigh). I went to the baseball game with one of my best friends and it was so relaxing. I have to tell you about what I ate. I already admit I took a detour from my diet. But when you hear this you will fully understand why. BBQ nachos. For those of you not from the South, Memphis is known far and wide for their BBQ. We have all sorts of cook-offs and contests -- our big one just concluding last month as part of our Memphis in May festivities. It is really one of the few really positive aspects of living in Memphis. Picture this...corn tortilla chips covered in pork BBQ, sauce, cheese on top of that, and covered with dry rub. I don't know if it has an official name, but my vote goes for Throw Me Down and F**K Me BBQ Nachos. Ballgame, beer and BBQ nachos. Yes, people, life doesn't get much better than that. Except it does...after that, I met a really good friend of mine at a local gay bar for their Tea Dance. Talked to some nice guys and felt really comfortable in the bar setting (remember - newly out). Following that - I returned to friend number 1's house to watch the next to last episode of the Sopranos. Tony's gonna get whacked -- I just know it...

Have a good one, pEEps...

All The World's A Stage...

I have come to realize that blogging is perhaps not the best activity for the twisted-minded with too much time on their hands. I'm taking a detour from my otherwise deep-thoughted topics to pursue a whimsy. I know I'm going to get in trouble for this, but trouble is always delicious. And I am always open to spankings. OK - don't ask me how this came to mind, but I thought if my life were a movie for a play, what would it look like? Actually, I prefer a play, what with my artistic bent and all. Please note that I said "artistic", not "autistic". And my life certainly has enough drama to warrant the services of Mr. Aaron Spelling. The following is the cast I have secured so far:

Me -- played by Jeremy Piven (of course)
Lisa -- Bette Midler
Marshall -- Colin Farrell
Teresa -- Angelina Jolie
Whendy -- Jennifer Lopez
Lori -- Sandra Bullock
Cindie -- Susan Sarandon
Chris -- Daniel Craig (new 007)
Grant -- special guest appearance by David Hasselhoff

The plot will be loosely based on my life (in Hollywood circles, that means "not at all"). Generally it will go like this.

I, of course, will be played by the ravishingly handsome and rakish Jeremy Piven, currently of Entourage fame. It appears that Jeremy must save the world from a maniacal, evil lawyer (is there any other kind, really?) named Marshall, who has threatened Jeremy's friends with imminent arrest. The beautiful Cindie, as portrayed by Susan Sarandon, is a ruthless, extremely neat and neurotically organized clothing retailer in the vein of Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada. The Daniel Craig-esque boyfriend sits around drinking beer and playing video games in the nude. Not sure how the other characters will flesh out at the moment, but at least its a start. In the climax, Jeremy confronts the evil, maniacal lawyer and a bloody fight ensues, in which Jeremy gives the lawyer a much deserved thrashing. The lawyer then begs for mercy and promises to mend his evil ways. But Jeremy being the handsome, wise sage that he is, doesn't believe a word of it and beats him some more. Next, we see Bette, fresh from cheering on the lawyer's beating, standing in her brand new, state-of-the-art kitchen, wearing a red gingham dress and holding a tray of badly burnt Texas toast. As smoke fills the room and the alarm goes off, she performs her signature hit "Wind Beneath My Wings". Jeremy socks her. Parting shot of Jeremy as he finally gives in to the advances of two very hot guys (see below) and rides off with them into the sunset. All the other characters are too busy messing with cats and dogs to notice Jeremy's happiness.

What a fun exercise in creativity. I call it exercise as you quickly get into shape running from those people who simply can't buy the "loosely based" thing. I encourage all of you to try a similar exercise on your blogs. And now, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.