First of all, Kelly Stern - this post is for you. This past weekend, a friend of mine is in the process of celebrating her month long birthday. So she gets a wild (gray) hair and suggests that we go down to Paula Deen's Buffet at the casinos in Tunica. Now I just LOVE me some Lady. So we pile up in the car (just the two of us) and head to points south. Now, for all you non-Southerners, let me explain about the casinos. They are located in and about Tunica, Mississippi - in the Mississippi Delta. The Delta is very flat river land that, according to the legend, begins in the lobby of the Peabody Hotel in Memphis. Well, we were considerably south of the lobby. We were in kudzu land. If y'all haven't seen kudzu, you have missed a sight. Kudzu is a vine that takes over everything it touches. You will see fields of it covering trees and telephone poles. I swear it will come in your house at night and choke you in your sleep. (Which makes me want to go right this instant, pinch off a sprig and toss it into one of my neighbor's yards. Hmmmmmm...)
So, we get to Harrah's, where the restaurant is located. Incidentally, due to some outdated law, the casinos have to be on the river. Or rather IN the river. Peeps, these are floating casinos. Yup. Out in the river. They're anchored and all, but you have to walk across something akin to a large gangplank to get in. Now, I am not all that big on casinos. I am not against gambling - It has just never appealed to me. I can count on one had the times I have been down to the casinos during their 20 year existence. So there we are. It is amazing to watch the people that go there. I'm serious. The vast majority of gamblers were around 55 years of age. Looking either desperate or determined, these were exactly the individuals that DID NOT need to be there gambling their retirement or paychecks away. My friend pointed out that the cane of choice seemed to be a four-pronger. I saw an oxygen tank or two... I cannot tell you what a self-esteem boost it is when I go to down to the casinos.
We finally work our way to the restaurant where, I kid you not, there is a line like Disney World JUST TO PAY TO GET IN!!! Now I have seen the Lady herself and did not stand in a line anywhere close to this long. Pay attention now - if you find yourself at Paula's kitchen in Tunica, DO NOT STAND IN THIS LINE. There is a little self-pay kiosk hidden away that you can get you own tickets and not have to stand with all the trash, I mean people, in that line.
Then you go stand in line to be seated. Now, the restaurant is a replica of Paula's home in Savannah. It has a front porch and everything. We finally get seated and go to the trough - I mean, buffet. People have asked me what I had. It would probably be more expedient to tell what I DIDN'T have. Let's see... I started with crab legs, followed by some raw oysters and boiled shrimp. Then I had the most wonderful cheesy meat loaf, mac and cheese and cheese grits (a theme, perhaps). Fried green tomatoes, friend shrimp, and wet ribs. OH and the cheese biscuits were to slap yo mama over. Plus we had hoecakes. The inevitable punchline being that I liked the hoecakes because I was ...wait for it ... a ho. (Insert appropriate giggling here). For dessert I have a wonderful strawberry cheesecake and two macaroons. I felt like a big fat tick about to pop.
After dinner, we walked around to settle our stomachs. We had a glass of wine to help us digest what we had just ingested. At that point we were pooped and decided to start the haul back to Memphis. We got outside and I am here to tell you it was hot and humid. I'm talking 95-97 degrees at 11:00pm. You could cut the air with a knife it was so wet. It was lightening something fierce. The sky looked like a strobe light. And the thunder... It was so sultry and humid that just walking to the car, the sweat started pouring down through the course, dark hairs of my heavily muscled chest, just waiting for Mr. Right to come along and lick it slowly off...but I digress. It was hot.
So we made it back to Memphis fat and happy. My only regret was that out of ALL those hundreds of people everywhere in that casino, I only saw one guy that I would have bent over. Sigh... Now -- back to the diet.
