Monday, April 28, 2008
Wow -- it has certainly been a fun weekend. After a laborious (emphasis on BORE) my diverse crowd and myself went downtown to the trolley tour at the arts district. One night a month (Friday) all of the art galleries and businesses stay open late and it is kind of the place to see and be seen. We all met down there and true to form, I found the one person in Memphis that I would rather avoid. After successfully eluding this idiot, we got to see the zombies. That's right, folks... you heard it right...zombies. Apparently, once a year, people (odd people, I say) dress up like the living dead and have kind of a parade downtown. Why they do this I have NO CLUE. I could understand it if they charged something and gave the proceeds to a charity, but I don't think they do. Zombie etiquette says that if you want to be part of this parade that you put an "X" on you clothing with masking tape and as the zombies approach, they pull you in...I chose to pass on this activity. After we watched the March of the Dead, we ate at Pearl's Oyster House...quite a fine meal if I do say so myself.
After our group had dispersed, I went to Mollie Fontaine's (local gay bar) with a friend for a couple of hours. We had a good time and had some cocktails before the storm hit. I eventually left and went to the Pumping Station (if you have to ask if it is a gay bar, you ain't gay). This is where things got interesting. I have been emailing a guy that was at the bar that night (I'll call him Big Guy). I end up talking to him while sitting at a table. One of Big Guy's friends (Little Guy) comes over and starts flirting with me as well. At the same time. Both of them see what the other is doing and they take it up a notch and start getting touchy. One had his hand on my knee and the other, on my back. Then Big Guy gets pissed at Little Guy and they start arguing about something Little Guy presumably said. Little Guy takes umbrage and starts arguing back. Big Guy tears him a new one. At this point, I get up, got to the bar and pay my tab. They must have seen that I was gone and Big Guy came to the bar and apologized for me having to see the display. Someone started talking to him and Little Dude comes up and is profusely apologizing over and over. I pulled the piece d'resistance and said "I think it is time for me to go home". Little Guy's face just fell. I turned and walked right out the door. I never thought I would see the day that two guys would fight over me and I certainly NEVER thought that I would just walk away from it all. Since then, I have gotten (is gotten a word???) several apologetic emails from Big Guy.
The next night after, after working at the frame shop, a very good friend and myself went and ate a Papa Pia's (for any Memphians reading -- go there. Tonite.) Then we went to Felicia Suzanne's and had a cocktail on the patio. Words cannot tell what a beautiful night it was. Then we strolled down to the Cannon Center to see Amy Grant with the Memphis Symphony. WONDERFUL concert. I felt like I was in high school again going to see Amy...Following that we went to the top of the Madison Hotel to look at the river and have a glass of wine. Then we went home because it was after 11 and my friend turns into a pumpkin around 7:23 pm.
All in all, it was a truly fun and eventful weekend. Add to that the fact that one of my dearest friends is coming back in town this week for a visit after moving to Philadelphia. Right now, life is pretty good...
Friday, April 25, 2008
Here I am again with tasteless humor and hot guys...Enjoy!
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child. What may I Do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs Limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
The priest answered: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn You: I will not Lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you"
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The Official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer Strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the Floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.
'It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool...They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos-about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!'
The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'
'Lard-Almighty Bubba!' said Billy-Bob, 'the tater goes in the front!'
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Yall know I love these things... especially when I can't come up with something of substance (mostly because nothing exciting has happened lately). Its filler, I know, but fun filler...
According to the instructions, I am NOT allowed to explain ANYTHING unless someone asks.
Taken a picture completely naked?
Made out with someone on your top 8?
Danced in front of your mirror naked?
Told a lie?
Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?
Made out with someone of the same sex?
Seen someone die?
Slept in until 5pm?
Had sex at work?
Fallen asleep at work/school?
Held a snake?
Ran a red light?
Been suspended from school?
Totaled your car in an accident?
Been fired from a job?
Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?
Laughed until a drink came out your nose?
Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Kissed in the rain?
Sang in the shower?
Gave your private parts a nickname?
Ever gone out without underwear?
Sat on a roof top?
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
Broken a bone?
Shaved your head?
Played a prank on someone?
Had a gym membership?
Felt like killing someone?
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
Cried over someone you were in love with?
Had sex more than 10 times in one day?
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets?
Been in a band?
Subscribed to Maxim?
Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol?
Shot a gun?
Had sex today?
Played strip poker?
Tripped on mushrooms?
Video taped yourself having sex?
Eaten alligator meat? frogs legs?
Ever jump out of an airplane?
Have you been to more than 10 countries?
Ever wanted to have sex with a platonic friend?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Ok -- I HAD to do this. I know, I know...it's tacky and crude, but MY GOD it made me laugh... I hope you find it just as funny...
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening
I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to mess yourself" chili.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes
with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of
your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
"Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual
morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when,
I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that
I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always
seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief,
it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body,
and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an
elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate,
as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two
different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure
some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course , made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down",
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone
was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable "Oh my, Oh my", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is
burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
" Oh h h h!", then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
take care of the problem."
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!",
then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously
escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in
court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Monday, April 14, 2008
This is one pissed off fag here. I have been doing battle with the Evil Empire, otherwise known as AT&T. I HATE AT&T -- HATE THEM, HATE THEM, HATE THEM. As it happens, I have not had a dial tone on my land line since last Monday. On Tuesday I called the Unholy Axis to let them know and I got ... gasp... a recording. The recording wanted me to press this and that and leave my number WHICH I DID and no one ever got back to me. So on Thursday I called back and, praise baby Jesus, I got a live person, who after speaking with her, I wished she were not amongst the living. This was the most arrogant bitch I have ever spoken with. She claims that the recording told me how to trouble-shoot my phone (which it did not). She said if a technician is scheduled, she will probably have to charge me a fee. She (evil, maniacal robot) told me to unhook my line from the jack and wait a couple of minutes. I did this 4 times and nothing seemed to work.
So I called back on Friday and completely lost my religion. I do NOT suffer fools gladly. The jerk that I finally got on the phone said he had no record of me having called the day before. I said I was sure my next bill would reflect the fact that I have not had service in a week. He said he could not verify that. At this point, I gave into the dark side... I screamed into the phone that I had called Tuesday (which he had a record of) and that I was calling back today (Friday) to say that I still don't have service. HOW HARD IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND?!?!?!?! Blood pressure going up just thinking about it. He said that customer service, not repairs would have to adjust the bill. That is funny, I replied, because they said repair would have to deal with it. I pontificated at length that this is supposedly a Dow Jones Industrial major corporation with stockholders and all that -- whose employees are COMPLETELY INCOMPETENT!!! The left had doesn't know what the right hand is doing. My right hand knows what it is doing. My right hand wants to slap someone...repeatedly.
He finally said he would schedule a service technician to come out to my house...Saturday between 2-6 in the afternoon. I said that was impossible since I have to WORK FOR A LIVING!!!! I gave them my dad's cell number and said to call him and he would meet them. According to asswipe, this may or may not work. I told him in no uncertain terms to read my lips and MAKE. IT. WORK. (As you can tell, I do not deal well with ignorance).
Dude came out and checked everything and could not figure out what the problem was and had to go to some box down the street. That was not the problem, so he climbed to the top of the telephone pole and discovered that vines had wrapped themselves around the line and pulled it apart, probably due to wind or rain. He repaired it and now I have to call these brain surgeons back to make sure my bill is properly credited.
I wanted SOOO BADLY to cancel my phone completely, but I have always thought it was very ghetto just to have a cell phone and no land line just for back up. I have had the pleasure of dealing with these rocket scientists once before when I had them as my long distance carrier about 10 years ago when I first moved into my house. I didn't use the service very much since I just got my cell phone at the time. I would get billed for the service and then the next month I would get a really low bill. This happened for a couple of months and then I would get a whopper of a bill. After calling said rocket scientists, I was told that they were billing me every three months because it was easier for them. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH --- easier for THEM. Well, I was SO glad to hear that. It warmed my heart to know that THEIR jobs were made so much easier by billing me every three months. I told them I realize that it is a foreign concept to consider...oh, I don't know... the CUSTOMER!!!!! and that perhaps, just perhaps, they could bill me every month. This suggestion was not met with great enthusiasm - so I told them to cancel the service completely, via means of rectal insertion of their instrument. I even wrote them a nasty letter reiterating this point, which I have kept to this day, seeing as it was one of my better examples of creative writing.
My carrier has been BellSouth for lo all these years. Last year, the collective f**ktards at AT&T bought BellSouth and I knew in the depths of my dark and depraved soul that I would have a problem with them. As it turned out I was right...as I always am. So if any of you in blogland have to deal with those monsters, I feel for you ... I really do. UNITE AND OVERTHROW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, April 11, 2008
I just got finished reading the most fascinating book -- Religion Gone Bad by Mel White. In short, this book discusses the way in which the fundamentalist evangelical movement in this country as it stands today, has hijacked Christianity and is a very real threat to gays everywhere. I would attempt to go into great detail, discussing each aspect of this book, but there is no way that I could do that that the author has not done so much more eloquently. So I will submit a short synopsis.
Dr. White states that the real problem lies with the "fundamentalist" Christians, but it would help to understand what a fundamentalist is to begin with. Simply stated, a fundamentalist is one that seeks to push a single didactic viewpoint on a pluralistic society. This single view being the innerrancy of the Bible - i.e. taking the Bible completely literally. The author takes pains to point out that fundamentalists do not make up all Christians. He states that within every denomination of Christianity today, even the ones primarily populated by fundamentalists, there exist those Christians who display and practically live out the love of Christ for others every day, and do not automatically condemn a person to hell on the basis of same-sex attraction.
The majority of the author's career as a writer has been spent ghost-writing for most of the big Christian players, so he has a unique platform in which to address these issues. He states that these people, these major Christian ministers, were at one time his friends and that they are certainly not hypocites when it comes to their hard nose stance against homosexuality. They really and truly believe that gays are the cause of everything wrong with our society today and the cause for a holy war and they see themselves as the warriors ready to do God's bidding. In fact, some of the major Christian ministers believe that 911 came about as the result of the homosexual lifestyle run amok. The author provides a fascinating history of fundamentalism primarily through brief introductions to the major fundamentalist players on the field today -- Jerry Falwell (who at the time of publication was still amongst the living),T. W. Chriswell, Pat Robertson, James Kennedy, Francis Shaeffer, and James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, whom I find to be the most particularly frightening. I found it most interesting that the one major Christian player that the author does not have a problem with is Billy Graham. He talks about how Graham loves homosexuals and how he refuses to speak for God on subjects like who is getting into heaven.
He speaks on subjects like "absolute values" and how fundamentalists have come to attack fellow Christians if their viewpoints are not aligned exactly with theirs -- in this case if a fellow Christian is "soft" on gays. He goes on to show how fundamentalism has worked its way into the political arena and how most of the players are attempting to make the US a "Christian" nation. According to White, the fundamentalist will not rest until the separation of church and state is done away with.
Coming from a strong fundamentalist background myself, I can honestly say that I have seen first-hand this happening in my church and in the churches I have attended in the past. Congregations are constantly preached to and bombarded about the evils of homosexuality. You know the saying...if you say it long enough, you will begin to believe it. Not only do people believe it, but I have found that the vast majority of church-goers (at least the ones I have come in contact with) are rarely thinking individuals. Most are perfectly happy being told what to believe without bothering to question it.
Also, I live in the South, where anti-gay sentiment is very prevalent. This book was not only eye-opening but frightening as well. I would encourage every gay American to read it as we are the ones who stand to loose what rights we already have not to mention the ones that we are still fighting for. If you are interested, it can easily be found on Amazon in the used section for a lot less than the retail price.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Well, the boi finally made it back from Philly. It was not without its trubs, however. My friend that I went to visit dropped me off at the airport and I went inside to check in only to find that half of the Northwest flights had been cancelled due to some mechanical problem or other. I figure they knew I was coming and the airport gods wanted to throw a wrench in my plans... The succeeded...As it turns out, they put me on the 6:15 AM flight out the next morning and put me up in a lovely (not) Ramada Inn near the airport. No sooner than I got my shit unloaded, I hauled ass back into Philly. I called my friend and he said he would come back in so we could have dinner, but he had to go back to work and wait for traffic to die down some and even then it takes about 50 minutes or so to get back, so I figured I had about 3 hours or so of being left to my own devices... I made good use of my time...I went to the local leather bar and met a real nice guy who has an MBA from Princeton and a penthouse apartment. As my friend that I came to visit so snidely pointed out, it was a step up from the fry cook I was interested in. My friend came back into town and I met him at Woody's (I just love the names of gay bars) and we had a drink or two and went to eat at Sole Food in the Lowe's Hotel. VERY NICE. Nice atmosphere and nice food.
Then it was time for my friend to head back. Trouble was it had stated raining and he had forgotten where he had parked his car. Can you believe it. It was pouring rain and we were running around in circles, or should I say squares since we were navigating city blocks. FINALLY we found the car. Then I had to get up at 4 the next morning to catch my plane to Memphis via Minneapolis. I love the logic there. Eventually, I made it home.
On another note, I just received an email saying that the MacDonald's Corporation has just become a member of the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. Part of what the NGLCC does is to promote growth and development of LGBT businesses. More than just showing token support, MacDonalds's has become a Corporate Partner and Organizational Ally of the NGLCC. I received this email on a mass mailing from a conservative organization wanting readers to send email to MacDonald's in opposition to this move. I took this opportunity to use the link and email my congratulations and support for making such positive and powerful statement in support of the gay community. Yet another reason to order those sinfully delicious (and yet bad for you) french fries...
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
This afternoon I will be returning to Memphis from Philly...I have had a WONDERFUL time but I am sad to be leaving my friend, especially for life in Memphis of all places. Why is it that the grass is always greener. Wow - what a weekend...Friday we hung out in West Chester which is one of the quaintest towns I have been in. It's downtown is small and picturesque...Saturday we got up and drove into Philly. First we went to an up and coming district on the cusp of change (read: next to the ghetto) called Northern Liberties. We had lunch at a bar there and went into some shops. But, hunny, let me tell you the ghettos we went thru to get there. It was SOMETHING...And I thought Memphis was bad... Wow. They just kept going and going...
After we got situated at the hotel, we wandered around downtown Philly. REALLY nice town. It did not have that big city feel to it at all. But once you have been weaned on New York as your big city, then Philly is not at all intimidating. We saw Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell. Then we went wandering around the "gayborhood". After dinner, we went to several of the bars there and had a good time. I met some interesting but cute locals.
Next day we came home and watched part of the Memphis game (GO TIGERS). Now let me say that I have 2 degrees from the University of Memphis and I have a certain friend that is maniacally obsessed with the basketball program to the point of mental illness, despite the fact that she never graduated from there...I thought it would be funny to call her at the beginning of the game and tell her that my friend and I had a huge fight and I was in a cab going to the airport, crying my eyes out. He told me she wouldn't answer the phone. Probably right.
Well, in a little bit I will be leaving for the airport to come home...Ahhhhh....vacations. Unfortunately I have to go back to the real world tomorrow (bleck).