Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Foot In Mouth Disease

This past Saturday night, in an attempt recover from my unfortunate discovery about the fake neurologist, a few friends of mine and I went to a particularly nice Italian restaurant in East Memphis for dinner. One friend in particular I had not seen in quite some time, came in and sat down next to me at the bar. I shit thee not - she had not been sitting next to me for one minute when I said "You got your haircut. And you have a mullet." Of course, she does not have a mullet. I just saw that the back of her hair was straight and from that angle that's what it resembled. Further inspection revealed that she did not, in fact, have a mullet. Her haircut was actually very nice. But, alas, the damage was done. She was shocked and appalled that I would even consider that she had a mullet. I don't know why things like this just seem to jump out of my mouth. This is not the first time something like this has happened and more than likely, it wont be the last. I was duly mortified and apologized like the dog I am, but I still don't think I'm in the clear. On top of that, another friend called my to say that she and the offended went to have a couple of beers to help her get thru her hard time. What hard time, I ask innocently. Being accused of having a mullet, was the reply. I have a feeling this one will be hard to live down. The general consensus amongst the privileged few is ... "well, that's just him." I hate that -- the implication being that I'm autistic or something when the truth is I just don't think before I speak. In my defense however, I can think of numerous occasions when there must have been divine intervention keeping my trap shut that could have resulted in very real and lasting damage. Get out the duct tape, peeps. You never know what is going to come out of this mouth...but you can bet you sweet,twinky gay asses its gonna to be low-down and dirty ... :-)

Friday, July 25, 2008

What Kind of Fool???

Oh boy do I have a post for you. I have done it this time...Try not to laugh at my ignorance as the story progresses. In honor of the lovely and late Estelle Getty (no snarky comments, cb)... Picture it...Lido Key, June 2008... A young man on a beach meets another man who asks him out. He goes and has a good time. That young man was me. For my two readers out in cyberland, you will remember that I went on a two week vacation to Sarasota. Despite the fact that I have been going to Sarasota for twenty years, I did not know that there was a "gay" beach until this visit. So I traipse my happy ass out to the beach where there was not a lot of people, gay or otherwise what with it being out of season and all. I met a man on the beach that struck up a conversation with me and we hung out, just floating around in the water and shooting the breeze. It appears that this man was a neurosurgeon/neurologist in New York City and lived in the Hamptons. He was 64, which I thought he looked great for 64. Well, he asked me if I would like to have dinner with him that night and I said yes.

Turns out, we go to a nice restaurant and back to one of his six condos on Anna Maria Island. He also has a big house on Longboat Key and a house in Big Sky, Montana. He told me he did not bring his cell phone on his vacation since he didn't want his work bothering him. Ok. Since then he has called me a few times from a restricted number. Jump forward to this week. I mentioned to my best friend that I talked to dude for an hour last Sunday and my friend started in on my ass about checking him out. Googling him. I said I didn't need to because I trusted him. My friend is somewhat cynical. He actually got real mad at me for, as he put it, sticking my head in the sand. What I didn't tell him is that I Googled him the day I got back. I didn't find anything, but I chalked that up to not being sure of how to spell his last name, and promptly forgot about it.

With all this renewed interest by others in my bidness, I decided to investigate further when I got back to work. I still came up short, so I decided to look up the property assessors public records for Manatee County. What I discovered is that my friend has one condo in Bradenton. ONE - not six. Nor does he own a home on Longboat Key. I did find an address with no city and state on the assessors page. I checked all of Long Island and that address does not exist there. I located it in Hatboro, PA -- a 1,000 square foot house that is smaller than my own. Using some other resources at my disposal, I discovered the he is not licensed as a physician in any state. Turns out that everything he told me was a complete lie. Everything. I mean, this man painted a ELABORATE picture and I fell for it ALL. I mean I had no reason not to. I am on a semi-private beach in Sarasota with huge-ass mansions behind me so it would not be shocking to meet someone walking in tall cotton. He told me all about his kids...four or five of them. Turns out he has ONE. Oh --- AND a wife, whom he told me was deceased. She is more than likely quite alive and well...

The thing that kills me is that all of this was a lie. I keep wanting to believe there is some logical explanation for all of this despite all the black and white evidence to the contrary. Because the other option is that I have been a complete fool. I feel stupid enough as it is. Generally, I feel that I am pretty good judge of character. I have worked in a law enforcement capacity for the past 14 years and see the dregs of society on a daily basis. I automatically assume that everyone is lying to me because, quite simply, they are. With the majority of people I deal with, I assume they are lying and try to determine what the polar opposite of what they are saying is and figure out what they are trying to get out of me and the system. Granted that is very cynical, but in my business, one gets jaded very quickly. I have just never been that cynical in my personal life. Unfortunately, that has changed.

In the almost two years I have been out, I have come across several people of shady character. Some of these people, I am fond of saying, are like dogs that should be put down. This guy is definitely one of them. Now comes the question of how to deal with him when he calls me back. I am inclined to say that I just started dating someone and want to be very committed to him, so I don't think it is appropriate to keep talking to him. Hopefully, that will get rid of him. My friend is pissed at me because I wont find out his story and put the squeeze on him before confronting him with the truth. My thing is, that will just invite more dialogue and lies and I just want hell and him gone from me.

Of course, all of this has not exactly built up my faith in humanity. I am at the point that if my best friend says the sky is blue, then I will go outside and see for myself. I don't want to be distrustful of people. Assholes like this definitely make it harder to take people at face value. Like I told a friend the other night, this is enough to make me go to bed, throw the covers over my head and eat Velveeta out of the box...with one of these boys.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I Wanna Be a Skinny Bitch...

Damn it!!! I have to go on a diet again. My fat ass is making my ass look fat. I hate diets. I wish I could eat everything I wanted. Alas, I cannot as I am not tall. I was going to say I have been working out like a fiend but that might be stretching the truth just a touch. Actually, I have been taking a group barbell class that I have really enjoyed. Know what I enjoy even more??? Going out after class to eat had drink beer. Yes, folks, the beer has struck back. But I can't not drink. Especially with the job I have that I hate. Drinking is the glue that has held my universe together, ESPECIALLY when I have had a day like I had today where I have had to deal with the stupidest people that God ever breathed breath into. Unfortunately, it has packed on the poundage. I have to go to the cardiologist tomorrow and he is going to scream at me in that meek, genteel British accent that he has.

I started SlimFast earlier this week. The concept is fine...reduce you calories for your first two meals of the day and eat what you want (within reason) for dinner. Sounds great, right? Try it. The shakes are actually quite good and I always want three or four of them -- along with breakfast. Then you come to the realization that you are starving to death!!! And you get that hungry headache. I am drinking a ton of green tea on top of that as I read that green tea is good for losing weight in addition to diet and exercise. Love the green tea... The thing is I don't need to loose a ton of weight, just 20 lbs or so. I loathe, hate and despise all those skinny little bitches out there (like the ones in the pictures) and want to slap them all down...repeatedly about the head and shoulders until they scream and beg for mercy at which time I will make mad, passionate love to them and ultimately forgive them for being the skinny bitches that they are, making me look bad by comparison. Do I have an anger issue on top of a weight problem??? Hmmmm... Another blog topic perhaps. So I persevere and deny myself the fruits of life. Maybe I just need to get my mouth wired shut. I have a feeling several people in my life would readily agree. That's ok... I'll bitch about them later. Psychotic post over.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Damn Cell Phone...

I have been a bad blogger lately, I realize and I only have time for a short post today. Haven't really had anything to say lately. Until now. Two days ago, I dropped my cell phone in the turlet. To which I promptly said "shit"! I just crack myself up like that... The phone itself was no big deal. I have insurance on it for such stupid things as that BUT I had 250.00 numbers in it that were lost for good. I tried the hairdryer thing to no avail. The cell phone gods were frowning on my. And I don't know why...I pay my bill and do not abuse my...ahem...instrument (much).

So I sent out this mass email plea for numbers from my friends and enemies. The responses I have received...you can only imagine. Some of my "wittier" friends remarked it was like loosing my little black book. Others just laughed outright. Granted, it was a stupid thing to do. But I have most of my numbers back and I am going to have to enter them by hand. I don't mind really, but BY GOD I am putting everything in an address book. The hell with backing it up on a computer - I want a paper back-up. Servers crash all the time and I DO NOT repeat NOT want to have to do this all over again. So word to the wise -- WRITE DOWN YOUR NUMBERS AND EMAIL. So until next time, dear readers, feast your eyes (and tongues) on this...

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Happy Fourth of July !!!

On this very special day, let us all take a moment and remember what makes this nation the greatest on the face of the earth. No matter what you may think about the war or the current politics behind it, at this time, we need to remember and say a special prayer for the men and women whose lives are on the line every day. And we need to remember and be thankful for the sacrifices of those that laid down their lives since before this nation was created so that we can live free today. God Bless America! Everyone have a happy and SAFE Fourth!


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