Monday, December 3, 2007

Holidays are here...

Ok peeps-- I realize I haven't posted in awhile. Things have been busy for me and I have just not had the time to sit at the computer and let the creative juices flow. Plus, THANKFULLY, I have been a relatively drama free zone for some time. However good that may be for me, it doesn't do much for the blog. Yesterday, I was asked to play Santa Claus at a Chirstmas party this week. I have never played Santa and am very excited; however, I humbly realize that I share some less than appealing physical similarities with ol Saint Nick. My dearest friend, the gentle and sweet soul that he is (NOT) said that the idea of me playing Santa was so ripe with things he could say that he didn't know where to begin. I suggested that he not even try. Anyway, tis the season for Christmas parties!!! I LOVE a good Christmas party. One of the parties I'm going to this weekend has a theme of tacky Christmas sweaters. I don't have a tacky sweater, Chirstmas or otherwise and it troubles me that people would assume that I would. People...come on. Also, I have been proud of myself that I have not eaten myself into a sugar coma. I guess I shouldnt be to prideful, as I haven't been to my first Christmas part yet. So with the lack of drama to report or meaningful insights to impart, I offer the following funnies for your entertainment. DISCLAIMER: Please be aware that any jokes I offer are bound to be politically incorrect and have the potential to offend. If you are offended, then my mission is complete...

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."


The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh... no, I didn't know that.”

“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “My brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I'm so sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer says, “So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?”

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