A Few Random Thoughts on Summer...

Well, it seems that Memorial Day and the official start of summer is upon us. Summer. My favorite season. It evokes the magical descriptions as found in Ray Bradbury's quintessential classic "Dandelion Wine". Even now as I sit indoors, I can conjure up summer so easily. The smell of freshly mowed lawns. The sound of the Popsicle man's truck. The purple sky at dusk with just a hint of moon. The smell of honeysuckle and gardenia. Trips to the beach. And of course the cicadas. The roar that they make defies description. And all of that is back again, playing to a packed house but without quite the same allure as it has to a child. But summer for an adult can be fun as well. Vacations, time off work, etc. Oh -- and the most important thing: COLD BEER. That is the HUGE benefit of being an adult in summertime.



Last night I found myself sitting outdoors enjoying the summer evening at The Beauty Shop (a former beauty shop turned trendy restaurant here in Memphis) sipping wine with some very lovely ladies from the local ballet waiting for a friend to show up. It was the perfect evening -- no humidity and a gentle breeze. I couldn't help but think back just a year ago, I sat in the very same seat with one of my best friends on the night that I came out. The thought of that stayed with me most of the night. The nostalgia of reflection aside, I stopped to ponder the past year. And not just the events of the year themselves, but asking myself how am I different and am I better off now? Coming out for me was not a well-planned, thought out decision. It was a spontaneous occurrence that I have not regretted. In so many ways I feel like I have started living after I became honest with myself and friends as to who I really am. And last night, as I sat outside with these beautiful people, I realized that I would never have met any of them had I not come out.



So suffice to say that I am looking forward to this summer with something close to the anticipation of a kid getting out of school for the summer. Tonite I am going to see the new Indiana Jones movie. (Another way cool benefit of summer are the blockbuster movies!!) But lest we forget...the real reason for us being off on Monday is that we pause and remember our troops past and present that have served or serving our country. They are the guardians of freedom and the reason we can live a free life. It is fine to go to the lake and drink cold beer, but keep these men and women in mind as you enjoy the official start of summer. So many of them will not be enjoying the long weekend off work as their work does not end. Have a safe and fun holiday weekend.

The Weekend...

Hi there everyone...Sorry I haven't posted as much lately, but things have been somewhat Kee-rae-zy... Where to start...Well, I had an interesting yet fun time Friday night. This guy I am kinda sorta seeing that I kinda sorta like a lot went with me to see a friend of mine that is in Memphis Ballet for his last show of the season. The show combined the ballet while celebrating various fashion designers. Tres cool idea... And it was located at the zoo. You may be thinking weird place to hold a ballet. But the Memphis Zoo is REALLY good forum - one of the best zoos in the country. I was particularly excited as I have not been to the zoo since I was a child (I know, shame on me). So I came up with the brilliant idea (I have no other kind) to go early so we could get a cocktail and walk around and see some of the animals. Well, when we got there we found that the performances space was up front, in the common area near the entrance and all the main walkways to where the animals were located were blocked off to the public, as the zoo was closed for the evening. Not one to be deterred by barricades, my friend (whom I shall refer to as HotAss) and I went around to the back of the cat house where we saw people mingling around. Turns out there was a wedding reception in the Panda exhibit - but we didn't know it was a reception when we crashed it. After snooping around the reception and not finding anything to our liking, I said lets go walking around. So we start on the main loop. HotAss just got a new camera and we were taking pictures of all sorts of animals we saw. Then some man comes up to us in a tram and says we need to go back to where the show is, that the zoo is closed. He said we could finish taking pictures and all that but to start heading back. Bleck. We take more pictures of the giraffes and their adorable baby and then another guy in another tram comes by and tells us to go up front. He was not as nice as guy number one. So with reluctance we start heading back. And then I see the flamingo pond. Now flamingos are my VERY FAVORITE bird of all time, and being gay I guess I am naturally attracted to a pink bird. I then found out why all these people kept telling us to go back to the where the show was. It appears that after closing time, certain fences around certain exhibits become electrified. I found this out the hard way. I leaned over to look at the pink birds and got the hell shocked out of me. It was like a human bug zapper. It sounded like a shot went off... HotAss said it hurt him and he didn't even touch the fence. Like any good Memphian, I started screaming lawsuit. HotAss got a big kick out of this as we were trespassing and were told to leave twice and the fence was clearly marked --he said I wouldn't get much... My thumb hurt most of the night, dammit. Anyway, the show was SUPER -- my friend danced in one movement and choreographed another, which was by FAR superior to the others. We waited around and said hi to the dancers before going off to Mollie Fontaine's for more drinks.



Another interesting thing that happened was that Saturday night I had dinner with a couple of friends I had not seen in awhile. They are two lesbians and one of them was partnered previously with another close friend of mine. There had been some tension there with myself and them over the past few months -- you know ... taking sides and all that... Due to the violent weather that was coming thru the area Saturday night, we decided to eat in. Also, they invited two of their neighbors over (gay guys) that I had never met. We had a ball and I really hit it off with them. I would really like to get to know them better as one of them came from the same background as me. Anyhoo -- I get this email from my friend on Monday. Basically, it said that it was good to see me Saturday night and that she knows it is hard when people break up and started talking about choosing sides (I ended up being closer with her ex after the breakup, but I found this comment interesting since NONE OF THIS WAS EVER DISCUSSED THAT NIGHT -- AT ALL).


Then she said that she was busy and she hoped I wouldn't be offended if she couldn't spend a lot of time with me (not that we have anyway). And that she wanted me to know that she was still my friend and that I could email or call her. Here we had this great dinner and I get an email out of the blue basically saying I am to be kept at arms length. Whatever. I have come to the conclusion that women are F**KING CRAZY. All women. There is NO understanding any of them, so don't even try. It is an exercise if futility. Thank GOD I bat for the guys...

Slappin' the Mess Outa Misery...

I know you have ALL wanted to slap the shit out of somebody. Here's your chance... Copy and click. I SWEAR this is majorily addicting!!!! Enjoy...You will be thanking me...

http://www.counterfeitmini.com/main.swf

The Weekend...

Wow -- it has certainly been a fun weekend. After a laborious (emphasis on BORE) my diverse crowd and myself went downtown to the trolley tour at the arts district. One night a month (Friday) all of the art galleries and businesses stay open late and it is kind of the place to see and be seen. We all met down there and true to form, I found the one person in Memphis that I would rather avoid. After successfully eluding this idiot, we got to see the zombies. That's right, folks... you heard it right...zombies. Apparently, once a year, people (odd people, I say) dress up like the living dead and have kind of a parade downtown. Why they do this I have NO CLUE. I could understand it if they charged something and gave the proceeds to a charity, but I don't think they do. Zombie etiquette says that if you want to be part of this parade that you put an "X" on you clothing with masking tape and as the zombies approach, they pull you in...I chose to pass on this activity. After we watched the March of the Dead, we ate at Pearl's Oyster House...quite a fine meal if I do say so myself.



After our group had dispersed, I went to Mollie Fontaine's (local gay bar) with a friend for a couple of hours. We had a good time and had some cocktails before the storm hit. I eventually left and went to the Pumping Station (if you have to ask if it is a gay bar, you ain't gay). This is where things got interesting. I have been emailing a guy that was at the bar that night (I'll call him Big Guy). I end up talking to him while sitting at a table. One of Big Guy's friends (Little Guy) comes over and starts flirting with me as well. At the same time. Both of them see what the other is doing and they take it up a notch and start getting touchy. One had his hand on my knee and the other, on my back. Then Big Guy gets pissed at Little Guy and they start arguing about something Little Guy presumably said. Little Guy takes umbrage and starts arguing back. Big Guy tears him a new one. At this point, I get up, got to the bar and pay my tab. They must have seen that I was gone and Big Guy came to the bar and apologized for me having to see the display. Someone started talking to him and Little Dude comes up and is profusely apologizing over and over. I pulled the piece d'resistance and said "I think it is time for me to go home". Little Guy's face just fell. I turned and walked right out the door. I never thought I would see the day that two guys would fight over me and I certainly NEVER thought that I would just walk away from it all. Since then, I have gotten (is gotten a word???) several apologetic emails from Big Guy.

The next night after, after working at the frame shop, a very good friend and myself went and ate a Papa Pia's (for any Memphians reading -- go there. Tonite.) Then we went to Felicia Suzanne's and had a cocktail on the patio. Words cannot tell what a beautiful night it was. Then we strolled down to the Cannon Center to see Amy Grant with the Memphis Symphony. WONDERFUL concert. I felt like I was in high school again going to see Amy...Following that we went to the top of the Madison Hotel to look at the river and have a glass of wine. Then we went home because it was after 11 and my friend turns into a pumpkin around 7:23 pm.



All in all, it was a truly fun and eventful weekend. Add to that the fact that one of my dearest friends is coming back in town this week for a visit after moving to Philadelphia. Right now, life is pretty good...

2 For The Weekend...

Here I am again with tasteless humor and hot guys...Enjoy!

------------------------------------------------

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child. What may I Do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs Limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

The priest answered: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn You: I will not Lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you"

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The Official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer Strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the Floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!



Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

'It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool...They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos-about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!'



The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'

'Lard-Almighty Bubba!' said Billy-Bob, 'the tater goes in the front!'

True Confessions...

Yall know I love these things... especially when I can't come up with something of substance (mostly because nothing exciting has happened lately). Its filler, I know, but fun filler...

According to the instructions, I am NOT allowed to explain ANYTHING unless someone asks.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Taken a picture completely naked?
No

Made out with someone on your top 8?
Yes

Danced in front of your mirror naked?
No

Told a lie?
Yes

Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?
Yes

Been arrested?
No

Made out with someone of the same sex?
Yes

Seen someone die?
No

Slept in until 5pm?
No

Had sex at work?
No

Fallen asleep at work/school?
No

Held a snake?
Yes

Ran a red light?
Yes

Been suspended from school?
No

Totaled your car in an accident?
No

Pole danced?
Yes



Been fired from a job?
No

Sang karaoke?
No

Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?
Yes

Laughed until a drink came out your nose?
Yes

Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Yes

Kissed in the rain?
No

Sang in the shower?
Yes

Gave your private parts a nickname?
No

Ever gone out without underwear?
Yes

Sat on a roof top?
Yes

Played chicken?
No

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
No

Broken a bone?
No

Mooned/flashed someone?
No

Shaved your head?
No

Slept naked?
Yes

Played a prank on someone?
Yes

Had a gym membership?
Yes

Felt like killing someone?
Yes

Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
No

Cried over someone you were in love with?
Yes

Had sex more than 10 times in one day?
No

Had Mexican jumping beans for pets?
No

Been in a band?
No

Subscribed to Maxim?
No

Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol?
No

Shot a gun?
Yes

Had sex today?
No

Played strip poker?
No

Tripped on mushrooms?
No

Donated Blood?
No

Video taped yourself having sex?
No



Eaten alligator meat? frogs legs?
Yes/No

Ever jump out of an airplane?
No

Have you been to more than 10 countries?
No

Ever wanted to have sex with a platonic friend?
Yes

I Know, I Know...

Ok -- I HAD to do this. I know, I know...it's tacky and crude, but MY GOD it made me laugh... I hope you find it just as funny...


I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening
I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to mess yourself" chili.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes
with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of
your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
"Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual
morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when,
I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that
I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always
seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief,
it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body,
and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an
elderly woman turned into it.



I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate,
as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two
different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure
some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course , made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down",
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone
was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable "Oh my, Oh my", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is
burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
" Oh h h h!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
take care of the problem."



That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!",
then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously
escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in
court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.