Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I Know, I Know...

Ok -- I HAD to do this. I know, I's tacky and crude, but MY GOD it made me laugh... I hope you find it just as funny...

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening
I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to mess yourself" chili.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes
with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of
your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
"Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual
morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when,
I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that
I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always
seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief,
it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body,
and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an
elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate,
as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two
different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure
some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course , made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down",
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone
was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable "Oh my, Oh my", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is
burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
" Oh h h h!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!",
then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously
escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in
court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.


K said...

OMG this made me laugh SOO HARD!

I totally needed that.

That serves you right eating that chilli...LMFAO!

cb said...

I get so tickled by bowel humor! I did a post about defiling a work shitter, and then having the thing back up and overflow on me!

I think I could give you a run for the money in the toxic cloud department. My friends will back me up on this.

Mike said...


It was a good laugh on a day that I really needed it!

dailybriefing said...

youre feeding the wal-mart stereotype.

oh, and friends wonder why i dont like public restrooms. next time they make fun of me, ill point them here. mhmm.

Victor said...

I laughed out loud all the way through this posting. It's very well written.

I don't think I would be game emough to leave home following a chili meal until the shock and awe stage had been passed!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

I am just laughing too hard to be grossed out like I should be here! I guess your friends know what meal to never serve you! ;P

Brad said...

I've got tears!

Anonymous said...

we need to talk -- ok I admit it this was very funny
Poppy's Mom

lo said...

this is SO FUNNY, my mah gawd.i am always petrified this is going to happen to me. this is HI-LARIOUS thank you for making me laugh so hard at work i cried!

Blogger said...

Did you know you can create short urls with AdFly and get money for every click on your shortened links.


Free Hit Counters
Staples Coupon Codes